Jealousy in a relationship is an overwhelming fear that the sufferer’s partner will be unfaithful, find someone more attractive than them or even prefer to spend time with someone else. It is a hurt that comes from deep down inside and as when we feel any form of emotional hurt, it can turn to anger.

Jealousy rarely shows up at the beginning of a relationship as when we first meet someone new we are all on our best behaviour. The thought that this wonderful person we have just met finds us attractive, wants us and wants to spend all their time with us makes us feel so good. You can be sure the partner will be wonderful, as they are on their best behaviour also.

Unfortunately, this initial, wonderful period can not last forever. The couple start to feel comfortable with each other and the relationship becomes a little less intense. Then the sufferer’s old self doubts start to return and doubts about the partner and their own worthiness of that partner grows. This then leads to them feeling very hurt, they start to question their partner and the arguments begin.

The sufferer may find it very difficult to cope with their partner going out with their friends, especially should it be to a place where they might meet members of the opposite sex. Even if the partner talks to a member of the opposite sex it can cause the sufferer to become very upset.

In some cases jealousy can become very restrictive. Partners may not be able to go out on their own or talk to members of the opposite sex. They might have to stop wearing some clothing, particularly revealing clothes. Going to some places could be banned. Watching television without the sufferer being with them may not be permitted, in case they might see something sexy or some nudity. Certain types of newspapers may be unacceptable, especially ones with more explicit photographs.

In the beginning the partner is prepared to accept some of the minor restrictions in a bid to prove how much they love the sufferer but as the restrictions grow they become almost unbearable. The partner cannot stand the restrictions and the sufferer feels even worse about themselves for keep putting the partner constantly through distress.

Through all this intense turmoil it can be the case that both are getting enormous gains. By complying with one restriction after another the sufferer has the partner proving that they love them so much, they must do to tolerate it. For the partner it can be the adoration the sufferer is showing by being so frightened that the partner may go off with someone else. It can be saying I adore you so much or they can be seen to be saying you are so fantastic, attractive and sexy that all members of the opposite sex must find you attractive. This show of adoration can be a tremendous boost to the partner’s ego. They are being put on a pedestal and that can make them feel very good about themselves.

The relationship has grown with all this turmoil and the gains that have come from it. We have to consider that some relationships would not have grown if the jealousy had not been present. Therefore, in some cases take away the jealousy and you also take away the relationship. I have seen this happen as the sufferer starts to feel better about their self and no longer needs to restrict the partner so much. The partner starts to feel a lack of adoration and does not feel so wanted. The relationship changes to such an extent it fails. I now feel it necessary to always discuss this possibility with any client that comes to me seeking help with jealousy.

If we suffer from low self esteem we will feel very lowly about ourselves thus filling us with self doubt. We can end up doubting everything about us, including our appearance, intelligence, capability, how much people like us and the worth of what we have to say. We can feel very lonely and different from other people.

Low self esteem can be caused by many different things. It could be bullying or constantly being put down. Someone, very often a family member, telling the person that they are not doing well enough, that they are useless or worthless or a combination of all of those things.

Whatever the cause is, it makes little, if any, difference to how the person feels. The overwhelming feelings of being a lesser person, inadequate, useless or worthless, and above all – different!

This can happen at any age. Sometimes it can be in the very early, formative years of a child possibly living in the shadow of an older sibling, but could just as easily be at a much later time of life caused through a controlling relationship

These feelings can have a devastating effect on the person’s life, restricting them and stopping them from going to certain places. They may avoid some activities or associating with some people for very often the unnecessary fear of being ridiculed. This can stop them from making relationships or pursuing a particular career.

Abusing somebody, be it by bullying, controlling, putting them down by telling them how useless they are, or in any other way, will understandably give that person doubts about themselves. They will think why do people treat me like that? What is it about me that make others treat me like that? There must be something wrong with me. It is these negative thoughts that are the seeds of low self esteem.

When someone has those self doubts and negative thoughts it effects how they act. They avoid situations where they might feel uncomfortable. They act in a negative way and therefore, get a negative response from others making them feel even more negative. This starts a downward cycle of feeling negative, acting negative, getting a negative response, then feeling even more negative.

How other people perceive the sufferer is of enormous importance to them. Unfortunately, what they imagine others are thinking about them will invariably be negative.

So how can we overcome low self esteem? The first thing we should remember is that it will have probably taken a long time for our self esteem to have sunk so low. Going down that spiral of negative feeling, negative actions, getting negative response, making you feel more negative. So what we need to do is become more positive in the way we feel. As negative feelings grow so do positive feelings. To many of us the thought of changing from feeling and acting negative to positive is a massive step and so it is, but the good news is all we need to do is feel a little bit more positive and then allow that feeling to grow.

The thought of changing negative thoughts to positive ones for anyone suffering from low esteem can be very daunting, but all we need to do is start the process.

I have found with my clients if they can accept the fact that they are not as important to others as they feel they are, it can very often help them to start those positive feelings. It is a fact that the only people we are important to are those who love or care for us. It is ironic that it is these people that we all feel confident and comfortable with. To all others it is unimportant what we look like, what we wear, what we say or how we act, as they are unimportant to us. If we are walking along the street and we see someone fall over or walk into a lamp post we may feel sorry for them or have a little smile, but a few steps further we have seen something in a shop window and that person has gone from our thoughts forever because there are too many other things to think about, and that is how every one reacts.

If we accept what we are like is not that important to other people we need no longer worry about what they think about us, a very positive thought. It is only a start, but very often that first small, positive thought is all that is needed to allow the growing process to begin.

Add a relaxation therapy like hypnotherapy or aromatherapy to help the sufferer become more relaxed and calm, then those feelings can start to change and that negative, downward cycle can turn into an upward, positive one.

If we look around nature we often see anxiety at work. The wild rabbits in a field feeding, their noses sniffing the air for danger, their ears pricked all the time constantly looking round in fear of a predator. The rabbit is anxious as he has every right to be. It is that anxiety that is keeping him alive by keeping him on his toes and alert and, of course, rabbits are not the only creatures that feel anxiety. Most wild creatures survive because of anxiety.

It is probably thanks to our ancestors suffering from anxiety that man has survived. If man did not have the instinct to be anxious he would have probably been wiped out millions of years ago. It is only when anxiety becomes out of control that there is a problem.

It has become so important that we get things right. From a very young age we are taught that we must achieve this and must be good at that. We must not get it wrong or make mistakes. We must gain grades in our exams and get a good job. It is so important that we have the right clothes, car and house, and, of course, we must have and do all these things to be happy. However, life is not like that. Things do go wrong, we do make mistakes and people do not always treat us the way they should and we then can become very anxious.

The anxiety sufferer may well start by just worrying about one part of life, something quite small but over time this grows as negative feelings grow. As those negative feelings grow so the anxiety grows and the sufferer will find other things to worry about until they may find themselves worrying about everything, not only in their own lives but the lives of everyone around them as well. They may even become very anxious about the fact that they cannot stop feeling anxious. Anxiety attacks can become very severe, even producing panic attacks or heart palpitations. In the end these terrible feelings can become debilitating and can control their lives completely.

So how can we overcome anxiety? If anxiety is a natural, instinctive reaction then it is almost totally separate from logical thought. We can know only too well there is nothing to worry about but that does not stop us from feeling anxious. Everybody can tell us that there is nothing to worry about but it has no effect.

It is therefore unlikely to help trying to change the way we think, it is the way we feel that needs to be changed. If we can feel calmer, more relaxed and in control we will not then feel so anxious. This is why medication to relax and calm may be prescribed. Or you can try other forms of relaxation therapies to relieve stress and anxiety.

Some hypnotherapist like people to think that they have some form of special power and will give the impression that hypnosis is magical and mystical. This has made people see hypnosis somewhere between spiritualism and the magician’s wand; however, nothing could be further from the truth.

Most people that come to see me for the first time think they are going to meet someone who is a bit weird. They wonder who this person is that does this magical and mystical thing called hypnosis.

The fact is, there are no special powers to Hypnotherapy. Hypnosis is no more than deep relaxation, a very natural therapy.

Due to this misconception and the fact that hypnosis can be very affective in helping people make changes in their lives, they expect something strange and magical to happen.

Unfortunately, the belief that hypnosis is magical and mystical frightens a lot of people away from hypnotherapy, which is a shame as it means they do not get the chance to see if it might help them.

It is very understandable that people may be a little concerned about hypnotherapy. The thought that they will lose consciousness, not know what is going to happen and that the hypnotist will be able to control their mind, making them do things against their will, is indeed a frightening thought.

So what is hypnosis? Hypnosis is just very deep relaxation. When hypnotised you are fully conscious at all times. You are aware of things going on around you and you cannot be made to do anything against your will.

In a normal state of mind something stops you from being able to do things you want to do, however, Hypnotherapy can help you to do the things you usually find difficult in your everyday life. This could include stopping unwanted habits or even fear of certain things.

Many people wonder what it “feels” like to by hypnotised. Well, there is no such thing as a hypnotised “feeling”. All you feel is extremely relaxed. When hypnotised you will enter a trance like state.

Trance states are not magical or mystical. We all go into trance states many times in a day, either when we are reading, watching television, day dreaming, or even when we are driving.

Yes, we often go into a state of trance when driving. Anybody who has been driving for sometime will have had occasions when they can’t remember driving past that roundabout or have had no recollection of taking a corner or going through a village or town.

They have been in a trance state, but they must have been fully conscious, fully awake and aware to have driven safely. It is that type of trance that you enter when hypnotized. Fully conscious but very relaxed.

So, if hypnosis is not spiritual or magical how can it help so many different people with so many different problems?

A lot of the problems people have come from a feeling from within. Therefore, the feelings that will change that problem will also have to come from within.

Whilst in that relaxed state called hypnosis we can learn how to see things in a different way. We can learn how to change negative feelings to positive ones.

All we need to overcome a problem is the belief we can overcome it. If we think of a child learning to ride a bike, all the time he believes dad is holding the saddle he can ride the bike, even if dad has let go, but as soon as he realises no one is supporting him he becomes unstable.

The role of hypnosis is to enable you to have the belief that you can overcome a specific problem through what is known as auto-suggestion.

So there we have it. There is nothing magical or mystical in hypnosis, it’s all in the mind.